I shared my journal to some of my friends this week.

It was a bit uneasy, but they all encourage me a bit. It felt relieving.

I was asked how should they address me. To be honest I haven’t really thought of that. I was thinking about the future that I will be, but perhaps it is very muddy to think about the in-between.

I don’t have many friends you know (who would have thought), so online communities are those I grew closer with. I learned that I wasn’t the only one who thought it was weird to relate more to a bunch of individuals who I have never met in real life than your own family, but at least it wasn’t lonely for a brief moment.

Journaling takes more commitment than I thought. But it did refuel my love for writing. I really thought I was not poetic or eloquent enough, here I am though, despite my horrible scores in literature.

I went to a FIFA watch party by the way. It was out of character for me, but I had my friends there so it was pretty interesting.

I had always thought football was boring. Back in my home, it would be gambling, drunk arguments, and quarrelling. I didn’t like football, not because I was forced into playing it, but because my sleep quality was determined by whether father returned with money or not.

I still think football is kinda boring, but it is a fascinating event. To see people cheering, partying, and atmosphere this sport can create is mesmerizing.

I did lose my phone at the festival though, including my writing progress. Luckily it felt into a good person’s hand. It was a long trip back and forth from Arlington to Dallas, but I guess that was a small price I could pay.

On the way there, we were catching up on our whereabouts. They all would attend university soon, I’m a bit later so I have to try my best to succeed ike them.

When it was my turn though, I didn’t really have anything to say. I mean I hadn’t transferred yet, and I couldn’t think of anything in that moment.

“I wrote a journal.” came the words out of my mouth.

It was scary, yet exciting at the same time? I knew they would be supportive, but the thought of exposing yourself to people you would interact with endangered my comfort zone.

It was a 10-minute silence. I tried to revert my gaze to the window. Nothing and everything went through my mind at the same time. Did I make a mistake?

It was cool though. Some looked like they knew, others didn’t expect it. Nevertheless, they all said nice things.

I was asked how should they address me. To be honest I haven’t really thought of that. I was thinking about the future that I will be, but perhaps it is very muddy to think about the in-between.

“Call me by anything.” I replied. Hopefully one day I will considered myself deserving of being named Carlie.

This week I also drove more.

I used to stay at home all the time, I’m pretty good at self-entertain you know.

I often rejected my family’s offer to travel (as if there were many in the first place). Thinking that it tended to be boring. I was wrong.

Hanging out with friends, I realized I actually love wandering around and traveling to new places. I just haven’t gotten a companion who I feel comfortable around with. Either it was a cafe, an event, a museum, or just a trip to the market, it feels eye-opening and relaxing.

I also learned why it is important to travel and explore. Even with my understanding from the Internet, nothing beats meeting actual people and different culture. The more ways of being normal you see, the less judgmental you become. And traveling you don’t just see new stuff, you grow on how to socialize, how to interact, and how to respect. Without expanding my horizon, I would just think I was the only one left out, but because I saw people with a different life than mine, I changed my perspective. It still felt a bit like no one has the same experience as mine, but they all faced some sorts of obstacles in their life, and it is normal, and it is okay. So, I learned that whoever I am, it is normal, and it is okay.

I think I faced my first roadblock in my voice training. It’s hard to keep your voice at the exact balance of breath and force. If I did too much, it became nasal and cartoonish. Voice training feels like a bunch of dials that you have to maintain a perfect mix of all. It seems like I have to do more than just mimicking sounds, I need to actively decode my voice to adjust it conciously.

“더 아찔해
날 데리고 갈래 winds
끝없는 비행
달빛은 더 차올라
눈이 부신 새로운 세계로
더 다가가
다시 태어나 (Ah)
I just wanna be unchained 

차갑지만 따스한 빛 들의 춤
이 열기 품에 안고 날개를 다시 펼쳐
(Flame) 식지 않는 잿 빛 꿈과 타버린 끝에서
새롭게 탄생을 꿈꿔 

Hurricane
다시 한번 더 fly away
작은 날개 더 크게 spread
세상을 바꿀 내 날갯짓
너를 향해서 fly
La-la, la-la-la

Reborn like a phoenix wing
We fly high the world awakening us.”

(“It’s even more dizzying
Winds, will you take me with you?
A flight with no end
The moonlight rises higher
Toward a dazzling new world
I come closer
I’m born again (Ah)
I just wanna be unchained 

A dance of lights, cold yet warm
I hold this heat in my arms, and spread my wings once more
(Flame) From the end where dreams turned to ash and wouldn’t cool
I dream of being born anew 

Hurricane
Once again, I’ll fly away
Small wings now spread wider
My flutters will change the world
I fly toward you
La-la, la-la-la

Reborn like a phoenix wing
We fly high, the world awakening us.“)

– ARTMS, Icarus. 2025