I shared my journal with some of my friends this week.

It was a bit uneasy, but they all encouraged me. It felt relieving.

I don’t have many friends, you know (who would have thought), so online communities are the ones I grew closer with. I learned that I wasn’t the only one who thought it was weird to relate more to a bunch of individuals who I have never met in real life than to my own family, but at least it wasn’t lonely for a brief moment.

Journaling takes more commitment than I thought, but it did refuel my love for writing. I really thought I was not poetic or eloquent enough; here I am, though, despite my horrible scores in literature.

I went to a FIFA watch party, by the way. It was out of character for me, but I had my friends there, so it was pretty interesting.

I had always thought football was boring. Back home, it would mean gambling, drunk arguments, and quarreling. I didn’t like football, not because I was forced into playing it, but because my sleep quality was determined by whether Father returned with money or not.

I still think football is kinda boring, but it is a fascinating event. To see people cheering and partying, the atmosphere this sport can create is mesmerizing.

I did lose my phone at the festival, though, including my writing progress. Luckily, it fell into a good person’s hands. It was a long trip back and forth from Arlington to Dallas, but I guess that was a small price to pay.

On the way there, we were catching up on our whereabouts. They all will attend university soon. I’m a bit later, so I have to try my best to succeed like them.

When it was my turn, though, I didn’t really have anything to say. I mean, I hadn’t transferred yet, and I couldn’t think of anything in that moment.

“I wrote a journal,” came the words out of my mouth.

It was scary yet exciting at the same time. I knew they would be supportive, but the thought of exposing yourself to people you interact with endangered my comfort zone.

It was a ten-minute silence. I tried to divert my gaze to the window. Nothing and everything went through my mind at the same time. Did I make a mistake?

It was cool, though. Some looked like they knew; others didn’t expect it. Nevertheless, they all said nice things.

I was asked how they should address me. To be honest, I haven’t really thought of that. I was thinking about the future self that I will be, but perhaps it is very muddy to think about the in-between.

“Call me by anything,” I replied. Hopefully, one day, I will consider myself deserving of being named Carlie.

This week I also drove more.

I used to stay at home all the time; I’m pretty good at self-entertaining, you know.

I often rejected my family’s offers to travel (as if there were many in the first place), thinking that it tended to be boring. I was wrong.

Hanging out with friends, I realized I actually love wandering around and traveling to new places. I just hadn’t gotten a companion who I felt comfortable around. Whether it is a cafe, an event, a museum, or just a trip to the market, it feels eye-opening and relaxing.

I also learned why it is important to travel and explore. Even with my understanding from the Internet, nothing beats meeting actual people and experiencing different cultures. The more ways of being normal you see, the less judgmental you become. In traveling, you don’t just see new stuff; you grow in how to socialize, how to interact, and how to respect. Without expanding my horizons, I would just think I was the only one left out. Because I saw people with a different life than mine, I changed my perspective. It still felt a bit like no one has the same experience as mine, but they all faced some sort of obstacles in their lives, and it is normal, and it is okay. So, I learned that whoever I am, it is normal, and it is okay.

I think I faced my first roadblock in my voice training. It’s hard to keep your voice at the exact balance of breath and force. If I did too much, it became nasal and cartoonish. Voice training feels like a bunch of dials that you have to maintain a perfect mix of. It seems like I have to do more than just mimic sounds; I need to actively decode my voice to adjust it consciously.

“더 아찔해
날 데리고 갈래 winds
끝없는 비행
달빛은 더 차올라
눈이 부신 새로운 세계로
더 다가가
다시 태어나 (Ah)
I just wanna be unchained 

차갑지만 따스한 빛 들의 춤
이 열기 품에 안고 날개를 다시 펼쳐
(Flame) 식지 않는 잿 빛 꿈과 타버린 끝에서
새롭게 탄생을 꿈꿔 

Hurricane
다시 한번 더 fly away
작은 날개 더 크게 spread
세상을 바꿀 내 날갯짓
너를 향해서 fly
La-la, la-la-la

Reborn like a phoenix wing
We fly high the world awakening us.”

(“It’s even more dizzying
Winds, will you take me with you?
A flight with no end
The moonlight rises higher
Toward a dazzling new world
I come closer
I’m born again (Ah)
I just wanna be unchained 

A dance of lights, cold yet warm
I hold this heat in my arms, and spread my wings once more
(Flame) From the end where dreams turned to ash and wouldn’t cool
I dream of being born anew 

Hurricane
Once again, I’ll fly away
Small wings now spread wider
My flutters will change the world
I fly toward you
La-la, la-la-la

Reborn like a phoenix wing
We fly high, the world awakening us.”)

– ARTMS, Icarus. 2025