We were doing our usual routine. Life updates, job, money, and health. Also a little gossip here and there.
“Do you inject estrogen?” I asked her out of the blue.
She either didn’t seem to notice my question, or perhaps she tried to ignore. But she should have known how persistent of a person her child is, because she finally did.
Turns out it was biotin. I guess I was being skeptical for nothing. And I also learned that she had an ovarian cyst, and it lead to her premature menopause. I kept talk to her about how to swallow her pills and asked if there were other forms of estrogen she may want to switch to.
“Why do you ask? Do you want to go on estrogen?” Her questions did caught me off guard. But I just said how Anatomy & Physiology classes educated me about it (which is also true by the way!). But of course those knowledge weren’t from nowhere, after I did my research.
My auntie bought some new dresses for herself as well.
She and her friend were doing girly stuff. They talked, changed outfits, complimented each other. I was doing the dishes so I didn’t focus on it, but they seemed happy, I hoped I can be happy like that soon.
My auntie then asked if I noticed her breast augmentation.
“Really? Silicon, saline, or fat?” I asked her back. Her friend was immediately surprised by what I said, she told me “How do you know so much? Do you wanna get a boobjob?”
“No.” I said as a reflex. and I smiled back to brush it off. I guess ignorance is bliss. But of course I know, I studied this gig.
I forgot to say but I work at my college. The only legal way for an international student to stress less about their wallet. But I work at a different campus than the one I’m studying at.
It’s kinda cool that the supervisors waited for 2 months for me to get a social security number. And working there is boring, but it is easy money, everyone is nice, and the pay is not too bad (as if I have many options). It does feel weird to work at the Counseling Department when you’re the one who actually needs counseling, but I digress.
It’s really fun to go shopping.
All these makeup, skincare, even the arts & crafts section fascinate me. Now I understand why my mom would spend hours at the shopping mall as I begged her to go home. She wanted to look pretty, and spending money is exhilarating. It’s the importance in making a decision about personal taste, outward appearance, and fashionable presentation. I get it now, she would look happy when she was in her new clothes and getting compliments on it. I also wanna look pretty and comfortable in my own skin. Even as I’m writing this, I couldn’t believe that I spent 3 hours in an Ulta on a Friday. Though I need to learn how to manage my money, or else this lavish lifestyle is not sustaining on a student employee wage.
I also learned a little about hair styling.
I really had a curler and a dream, no wonder the wig was tragic. I’m more prepped now though, with new tools, new sprays, and just a smidge better skill. It is less of a tragedy, maybe more like a mess; but at least it shows I’m learning each day.
My mom texted me the hospital had refused to admit my grandpa, because it has been impossible to take all his ascites out. She told me to chat with him more, so I tried to call him more often than I used to. I think he might be unable to speak soon. Seeing him on the phone was no different than it was a while ago, but there was something in his eyes that looked bleak.
He smoked a lot, especially after father’s nightly house terror. He would stop after I talked to him, but he never burned the cigarette out because he continued to do so the moment I left his peripheral. He’s very calm, but everyone said when I flied to the US, he would cry alone at night on the blue wooden swing we had outside. He often mumbled “I wished I could have just died already.” It was odd to me because I have always struggled with the idea of dying, so I just thought if I grew up I would just be very nonchalant about death like him.
I think it wasn’t the case.
“Hey man, does it hurt a lot?” My maternal grandma asked him through the phone.
“Sister, It hurts.” He replied.
I guess most elderly people don’t mean it. They weaken after each day, that’s natural aging. But they have to watch their loved ones grow to the point of unable to commit their time to them. To strip human’s capability away from them and then tell them to live is just a punishment.
Grandpa was crying for himself. Grandma was also crying for him. Everyone was.
I wasn’t. But I saw my eyes reddened through the screen?
That was unusual.
Maybe I should have noticed it. Maybe I should have tried to learn more about him. But I didn’t, because I couldn’t learn about myself.
I would remember the times when i could always count on him for pocket money, when he would save the best food for me, or just the fact that he only smiled whenever I saw him.
He often asked me about my future wife. She will be there grandpa don’t worry, but under the wedding sky it would be me under that dress instead.
I have a really bad temper, but I think he showed me how to be calm, and how to be optimistic. I just didn’t know his positivity was just like mine: a facade.
Even if he is still in excruciating pain right now, at least I’m glad it hasn’t been the last time I would see him yet. I will talk to him more, even if it is a week or a day left, even if I know it won’t be enough to compare to his shadow in 20 years of my existence.
At least it is a little bit more.
“We’re only humans floating on a rock But I think that you are made of stardust Unconditional, you put up with so much I can never repay the way you love Back to the sky, we all have to fly back home, back home The sweetest goodbyes are never with smiles at all
But when our lives are running out And your heartbeat has taken the draw Could you try to look around? I’ll be there to pull you back up I’ll be around you I’m nothing without you I won’t leave you alone ‘Cause when the stars are falling down There’s love in the dark.”
hereexistsatransgirl 