I changed myself up this week.

My auntie’s family is going on a Florida trip, so I will have a lot of free time to myself. I know it is a bit weird to pass on the opportunity considering I have no money and she would pay anyway. However, I just really love being alone. Peace. Quiet. Absence of distraction. I sensed the best chance to care more about my body.

I bought a bunch of stuff: bell peppers, onions, broccoli, cabbage, raspberries, blackberries, kiwis, lentils, and flaxseeds. I tried to increase my fiber intake and squeeze more antioxidants into my diet. I’m a lazy cook, so I just mixed some rice and lentils in the rice cooker while doing a stir-fry with whatever chopped-up veggies I bought in a pan of black bean sauce. I have always struggled with sugar, so these days completely changed me.

Maybe it’s a placebo, but being alone, I noticed almost all my acne faded away. My skin was brighter, I sweated and secreted less oil, and I feel my face becoming rounder and more feminine. I think the food did the trick, but I felt a sense of euphoria, as if I just got a surge of estrogen in my body.

I also experienced so many emotions.

I felt so happy and energized in the morning. I would sing, dance, smile, and become motivated to drive around for some fun time at the mall. But I always ended up crying before bed, not for any particular reason. I just think about some relationships I made, overthinking about every single tiny detail I did in those conversations. I was worried about how my body will change as well. What would I look like? How long would it take to “pass” as a woman? What if I get outed? Would I be kicked out of the house, walking alone with no safety net around? I don’t know, but I do know that I don’t want to be in this body, and I’m ready to seek the “me” that I love.

Oh, by the way, I started my voice training!

But it was tougher than I thought. I searched online aimlessly and found TransVoiceLessons. The videos from her were so educational. Although I was put off by the length of them, I was determined to watch the whole thing. I started with the video for beginners. While it could be a beginner’s desire for quick achievement, I noticed the effect right away. It was understandably subtle; however, throughout childhood, I had been trying my best to mimic a girl’s voice, which could have been my first signal. But I learned that it was obviously not enough. Combined with the fact that I know nothing about music and voice, I had only focused on pitch, so I was surprised to find out about terms like vocal resonance and vocal mass. Overall, I was pretty happy, and I can’t wait to hear my voice by next year.

“When I came back from the dead
The first thing they said
Was, “You’ve never looked better”
Every compliment
Went rushing to my head
As my heart kept weakening

This body used to be my home, now it’s just an homage
A souvenir I gave to everyone I love
The walls of my heart look like museum corridors
The love that I gave was art in my form
But I’m scared if I learn to be happy
I’ll forget how to write songs.”

-Erin LeCount, Marble Arch. 2025