This week’s sun was lovely. I have never noticed it shining so gently. It kinda reminds me of the time when I would watch the family store as the surroundings fell silent to the sound of cicadas, or when I drifted into a slumber on a hammock, hearing only a lullaby and the mechanical fan.
It’s bewildering how much things change when you can focus less on yourself and shift the lens to everything else.
I got my results back. Everything was normal, and I got my prescription. Apparently, my blood sugar level is within the normal range now, so I think I reversed my prediabetes! I have half of a typical dose for trans women, which seems to make sense considering it is my first time going on HRT. I wonder what is in store for me. I mean, I know what will happen, but you can’t truly prove it until you can see it.
I have been doing a bit more planning and budgeting my money as I try to pay off my tuition fees and health insurance. Otherwise, everything is sailing: not smoothly, but it isn’t sinking either.
The warmth is getting on my skin, but there is a certain hollowness I can’t describe. There are too many things to care about, so I just choose to shut down instead of doing something about them. Mental exhaustion stays dormant in my brain, and it is not escaping elsewhere. I can say I’m trying at the end of the day, but if nothing is done by the end of December, I will pay for all the consequences of my suffering, which will be more than just anguish.
I also went out with some girls this week. We tried on mists at Bath & Body Works, tried on clothes at Ross, bought some squishies at Five Below, and indulged in makeup at Teso Life. It was fun, affirming, and joyful. I didn’t expect the most mundane things I used to think about could be so enjoyable, but my lack of experience really showed how much I was missing out on in the past. Sometimes the things one desires the most are the things everybody assumes others already have, yet somehow they are also the most difficult to get.
I gifted mom a tinted lip balm! She was just glad she received an actual gift from me, I guess. Whenever somebody travels back to my country, everyone just sends stuff over here to give to their families overseas. She said she barely used it because she was afraid it would run out, so I told her I could always buy her more. I think it was a notable bonding moment.
It was my niece’s fourth birthday too. Everybody met me for the first time in months, and I got some compliments on my hair and skin. Taking care of myself paid off, who knew? I have also lost quite a lot of weight since I came here three years ago, so I think people didn’t fully recognize me at first. I grew my hair out too; it is still boyish, but a relative told me I look like a girl. I wonder if any of them know how an instance like that can be held so fondly by a person.
I’ll try to sort everything out. I’m in a better place, but it’s still a long way to go.
“I’m a damn good sailor in a gale force I’m the raw steel before I’m forged I wanna be someone worth losing myself for Shadow hands grab mine in the dark … I lost fame dancing in the downpour I’m the rumor that’s now the law I wanna be someone that’s burning down the door Killing fire the clay in me
It’s hell and high water Offerings and altars I brought this land to slaughter And I stand at the mouth of it all
Bless my beautiful bones to ashes I’ll never be afraid again Struck by my beating heart I scream out, death will not be my savior I’ll never be alone again Struck by my beating heart … Out here, I’m still a sailor No fear to meet my creator If I fail, I’m not a failure, all hail, all hail.”
