Happy Pride Month!

I hope everyone can be proud of who they are, because you all deserved to be your authentic self, even if the world says no.

I can’t lie that my heart stopped whenever I saw a transgender individual on the news. Under the current administration, and the current political situation, it seems like the US is approaching a trans genocide. Juniper Blessing, Eryka Caldwell, Persia Amarra Conway, are just a few of the many beautiful souls lost this year. Juniper was in Washington, close to where I used to study; Eryka was Brooklyn, one of the most LGBTQ+ friendly place (that I did intend to live in the future); and Persia was in Texas, the state that I’m currently residing. No matter where it is, trans people can still be affected by violence. Sometimes I wonder if it was correct to transition.

I’m an international student, and I’m residing under my family member’s roof right now. They sounds very accepting of gay people (could be because they don’t want me to feel uncomfortable), but I would hear transphobic rhetoric from them every now and then. I remember when it was said to a boy “you know the transgender? you are a man, don’t be like that.” Or when I left the building dressed up as girl only to get told “Next time, close your door. I don’t want my daughter to go in and think boys can wear makeup and dress too.”

It hurts, but not a lot? I know that I need to respect their rules if I’m still under their care. But I shouldn’t feel nothing when it’s a family member whose belief goes against my identity. It’s alright though, I will leave as soon as I finish my degree, and I won’t bother them anymore.

Do I get scared that I will get killed or discriminated against? Yes.

Do I get scared that many people I know would be against my newfound self and I would soon need to cut them off? Yes.

But would I continue with my transition? Absolutely.

In the past, I went from a gay boy into a gender-fluid teenager. I thought dressing up was fun and I was indifferent with being a boy so I didn’t want to become a trans woman.

I realized I was wrong.

I have been soon sick of people telling me about my appearance. They said I’m fat, I’m ugly, I shouldn’t think about marriage if you want to be a US citizen, etc. And every time I stood up for myself, they said I was making a big deal out of it, and that they just wanted “the best” for me. The worst thing about it is, my family was too concerned with family name and value. They couldn’t understand why I was crying, blaming it on ” the rebel phase.” They called me lazy when I only lied in my bed doing nothing, but asked “what went wrong” when I sat on a swing alone till midnight.

I hated myself so much whenever I stood in front of a mirror. I criticized every single miniscule detail, but was never motivated enough to do anything. My childhood went like that, unremarkably to outsiders’ eyes.

When I had some money from my scholarship, I burned it all on shopping. Horrible financial decision I know, but it was worth it. I put on makeup, a cute hime cut wig, a nice corset, flowy skirt, black pantyhose and a good, pointy dancing heels. I faced the mirror again and, I smiled.

I smiled. I felt pretty, I felt confident, and I felt like me.

I realized that my view and identification of gender was rooted in pornographic materials. That trans women aren’t some fetish the manosphere often depicts them to be. To me, they are beautiful, they are strong, they are happy in their own skin, and they are human beings.

“But what if I simply just like crossdressing?” I used to wonder. But when I put these items on, I wanna feel like a girl, I wanna talk like a girl, and I wanna experience girly things, I want to go out, to have fun, and to be liberated.

I am a woman, and nobody can take that away from me. I shouldn’t have to be afraid that my mere existence will threaten my ability to live, I shouldn’t have to feel like being the happiest version of myself is wrong and unnatural, and I shouldn’t have to think that I don’t deserve anything nice that I dream of because of who I am. I don’t care anymore. I’d rather die knowing I explored the path that was worth living, than living a life that restricts me into a husk that can’t escape. I promised to myself to be as gorgeous as I can be, and that if the world can’t change to become better, I will make it my history.

“Tiems kurių neliko
Tiems kuriuos širdy amžiais laikysim
Tiems kurie mus gynė
Angelai sparnus nelaiku nupynė.”

(“For those who are no longer here
For those we will keep in our hearts forever
For those who defended us
The angels wove their wings ahead of time.”)

– Evgenya Redko, Laikinai. 2021.