A schedule was cleared, and I got a chance to move my appointment to the 8th of September, making it less than a week away. I still don’t know why I chose a Tuesday out of all days, let alone having it fall right between my classes, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that something major is about to happen, marking the end of this current state—the end of K.
Though I think the first meeting will just be paperwork and maybe some bloodwork, I shouldn’t get too ahead of myself.
Yet, I get so anxious.
I wasn’t able to sleep properly this week. Part of me was so excited about what will happen next week: how will my body change? What is going to happen to my mind? When will I be able to “pass” as a woman?
But I also got so nervous.
How will I hide my medications? How will I disguise myself? How will people perceive me in public? Will I live up to expectations? Will I have to face the consequences of choosing a life I can actually be happy about?
It’s like a vicious cycle. Every single action makes me ponder how it will change when I get to become a girl. I get so excited about it, then I overthink everything to the point of anxiety.
But no matter what questions race through my mind, the question is never, “Would I regret it?”
K is going to die soon. I will slowly erase K’s existence from this world. It’s a bit bittersweet, but I can’t go back anymore. Come to think of it, K never had a voice in the first place. K is just a body, a shell for me to grow in. It was me who made K smile at people, it was me who learned and grew, and it was me who expressed opinions, not K. I don’t know if anybody felt K’s presence was special in their life, but K’s behavior was entirely mine all along.
Metamorphosis: I will soon turn into a cocoon, growing through a second puberty to become a butterfly. But before that, I must escape the prison of my own making, built out of self-hatred and insecurity.
Perhaps K was purely constructed. Perhaps it wasn’t me who wasn’t supposed to be here, but K.
That’s right. K was created. K’s flesh, bones, and skin were not mine. K didn’t have desires or feelings. K’s name was given, not chosen. I simply wasn’t grown enough back then to make my own decisions.
I have earned my place to exist on this Earth. I am an adult, a human being who is fully capable of dictating the path my life will take. I refuse to have been created just to be destroyed.
I have so many things I want to explore. I chose not to give up on this life just yet. Although I can’t say the things on my mind are ultimate life goals, they will help me continue living.
I don’t have a clear picture of how I will navigate this world as I begin my therapy. I am indeed scared of what might happen, but I am not scared of facing it. Even if I lose all the people I thought were my friends and family, even if I face financial hardship, and even if I might die for choosing to be myself…
If I can still breathe, then I know it’s going to be okay. Because I have always believed that tomorrow is going to be a better day.
Indeed it will be. Indeed.
“Eu scriu despre ce doare și mă doare acum Să scriu despre tine Înot în mări de sare, mă strigă pe drum Tot ce n-a putut să fie
O-ntrebare, o greșeală Și regretul o palmă deschisă mereu O minune îngropată Și legată cu lanțuri de fier Nu mai am nici iertare să cer … Tu mergi prin altă viață, eu nu te cunosc Ai genele schimbate Aș vrea să vin acasă, dar acasă la noi Te cuprind alte brațe, oh … Și nu am cu ce să m-acopăr Am ramas goala, am rămas singură și Nu mai am ce să mai număr Zilele noastre-s etern înghețate Nu mai am nimic, căci Trecutul e-un ceas ce de mult s-a oprit Iar viitorul e-un lux pe care nu mi-l mai, nu mi-l mai permit Sunt numai un om pe care odată I-ai iubit
Dar am avut o poveste (o poveste) O minune, o iubire (o iubire), fără nume O greșeala (o greșeala), și-ncă una Înc-o noapte (înc-o noapte), împreună O poveste (o poveste), fără capăt, două lanțuri fără lacăt
O întrebare, un răspuns Iată că în sfârșit am ajuns La capăt de drum.”
(“I write about what hurts and hurts me now To write about you Swimming in seas of salt, calling me on the road Everything that couldn’t be
A question, a mistake And regret is an open palm always A buried miracle And bound with iron chains I don’t even have forgiveness to ask for … You walk through another life, I don’t know you Your genes have changed I would like to come home, but at home with us Other arms embrace you, oh … And I have nothing to cover myself with I’m left naked I’m left alone and I have nothing to count Our days are eternally frozen I have nothing left, because The past is a clock that stopped long ago And the future is a luxury that I can no longer I can no longer afford I’m just a person you once loved
But we had a story (a story) A miracle, a love (a love), without a name A mistake (a mistake), and another one Another night (another night), together A story (a story), without an end, two chains without a lock
A question A reply Here we are at last At the end of the road.”)
hereexistsatransgirl 