I managed to lose some weight, though not as much as I had hoped for. My kinesiology class was better than I expected. I actually enjoyed running on the treadmill. Exercising makes me feel so much better afterward, even though I rarely have the motivation to do it. I think I will try harder to stay active.
Also, somehow I am taller! I grew an inch in less than a year, despite being stuck at 5’9″ since the ninth grade. I remember when I used to be jealous of other girls because they were shorter, which made me feel insecure, even though my height would be considered desirable for an Asian boy. Sometimes I wonder if becoming a taller girl with a larger body frame will make me unattractive. But now I am learning to love being tall, because that is model height, right?
I used to hate my facial features.
My eyes are hooded and deep-set, leaving little room to pull off a bold eye makeup look, and I don’t have those doe eyes like the girls I see on TV. But now I love my eyes; they give me an intense gaze that lets my black irises glow like the bottom of a lake.
My lips are full, rather than slim and delicate like flower petals, so I never used to like them. But they look the prettiest when I put on lip gloss, and they are actually the focal point of my face now!
My nose is large, and many people used to taunt me by calling it a “pig nose.” But I have learned that despite how unassuming it might look to others, its size fits the ratios of my face perfectly. I don’t need to get a Barbie nose. My short, wide tip makes for the cutest button nose, and my strong bridge lets my highlighter shine brightly above it.
I have learned to appreciate the features on my face, an understanding I never could have reached if I were still where I was years ago.
Even though I will still seek facial feminization surgery in the future, at least I’m grateful that I chose to spend this time learning to love myself first. Had I not done so, I would want to redo my entire face, risking so many complications. I think anyone who wants to undergo any form of cosmetic surgery should analyze themselves and their decisions thoroughly. No two faces in this world are exactly the same. Although you might not be born with the most conventionally attractive face, you still possess a combination of features that are truly yours. Aside from actual deformities, I believe our features naturally have a great sense of balance and ratio with one another. I support people getting surgery (I want it too), but don’t forget to love yourself. Become the prettiest version you want to be, but also remember to be confident and original. Be 100% you.
I think my opinion has changed: my eyes, nose, and lips are not responsible for my dysphoria. Even if I had been born a girl, I still would have inherited traits from my parents; I probably would have been K’s identical twin sister. Perhaps I would have grown to look much more different once puberty hit, but I don’t think I would be too different from the parts that I have right now.
It’s so expensive to be a girl, let alone a girl who wasn’t even given the right body in the first place.
And then there is the topic of love. It is something that everybody talks about, and I am no exception, constantly facing questions about marriage, family, and finding a partner. To be honest, I have never actually had a crush on anyone, not even a celebrity crush. If you define a “crush” as simply finding a person attractive, then the number would be immeasurable. But if you define a crush as an obsession or a romantic attraction, then the number is zero. That was probably why I used to think I was asexual. I’m not, because I do find many men attractive, but maybe I need more than appearance to truly fall in love.
Because of this lack of romantic experience, I can’t quite define what “love” is. Do we even have a universally agreed-upon definition of love? Romantic love, specifically. I have never had anything worthwhile to add to this conversation, and frankly, being in love sounds exhausting. You have to be completely intertwined with your significant other’s emotions? I can’t even regulate my own. But I don’t know. Love is heavily glamorized in the media and through conversations. Maybe I do crave love, but I don’t know what it is yet, let alone whether it is worth my time. I think only time can give me that answer. I have changed so much already, and this is just the beginning; perhaps I will learn how to love someday.
“I had to go I had to leave to get away The structure had been given to me Instructions were inhabiting me … Easy It could be so easy to be If I didn’t have to fight within Inside of me A spectacle The dream of being capable Got me merging with machinery The machine in me
To be free, baby Free within yourself To be free, baby Electric in your realm Endless possibility Of us in synchronicity, oh To be free, baby Free within, free within yourself Yourself Yourself To be free from within.”
hereexistsatransgirl 