Sorry for being late on updating my journal. It’s been hard lately. But I always write them whenever I have something; it just feels unmotivated to update on the website.
I don’t like to admit it, but it seems like my mind is going to the same place again.
Nothing and everything happened at the same time. I can’t explain how, but it seems no amount of work I create for myself can prevent my mind from being occupied with my appointment date. It’s like the closer it is, the more pain I’m feeling.
I have been lazy about doing things I enjoy recently. I can’t seem to bother drawing, sewing, or putting on makeup. I just want the days to move on.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I can’t seem to make progress on voice training. It feels like the difference is there, but it wasn’t as magical as I thought it would be. I do understand that it could take years for me to master it. I’m essentially learning how to grow all over again, so for that, I will hold out hope.
I don’t like to communicate either. I got yelled at for not responding to questions by my aunt. Granted, it was valid, but I couldn’t stop myself from dissociating.
Money is also tough. Insurance, car maintenance, and tuition fees are so much, let alone money for my hobbies and rent if I have to move out in the future. Our family’s financial statement is down to half of what it was when I first saw it three years ago. In this economy, I don’t know if my life here will end not on my terms.
Rules have been changed to limit visa holders. I can’t seem to stay indefinitely even given adequate documentation, and there will be new laws restricting my legal papers, forcing me to find new ways to stay. I can’t study more than one degree of the same level, I can’t change my major, and I will have to prepare for the worst-case scenario of organizing tons of documents as I battle against classes within the upcoming Fall semester. My institution is confused about this, and so am I, along with all my friends. I don’t know what will happen, but I can only wait for it.
“The American Dream is dead.” That was what I heard during a history lesson.
“Dead” is a definitive state to declare. Obviously, I have a pretty extensive history with it. But they aren’t wrong, necessarily.
It’s funny to think about how “the American Dream” is shaped, because how can I afford a luxurious life when I can’t even afford to survive?
The cost of living is getting higher and higher, while wages can’t keep up. I watch people I know making a fuss about taxes, cars, houses, and loans. If I were to get a job here, it would be my turn to get into that lifestyle sooner or later. Perhaps it’s true that the USA is the land where people live to pay back their debt until the day they die.
Discrimination is still there, and I doubt it is going down.
I can’t say for sure how severely it is happening, as I live in a place where it doesn’t occur explosively. However, modern discrimination doesn’t exhibit as hostile violence or verbal assault; it is microaggression and legislation.
ICE. Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Never could a three-letter word bring this much damage and fear. Since Trump took office for his second term, hundreds of thousands have been arrested, many deported, and others put in detention centers. Many immigrants were affected despite having no criminal records; even actual citizens can’t escape from being targets.
I refuse to think this is simply incompetence. There have been reports of ICE agents disguising themselves as police, fabricating fake criminal investigations, and waiting outside of schools, churches, and even legal paper spots to arrest people. If what they are doing is essential, why is it necessary to trick people and wear masks? It is as if the agents understand what they do is inexcusable.
I don’t want to start on their detention centers: contaminated food and water, sleep deprivation, extreme temperatures, and the withholding of necessary medical care. These are just a few of the main things I could read from the stories of the detainees. There have been deaths, and children are included. Perhaps I have a bias because I’m not a citizen here, but at what point is this not a violation of human rights? Unless these individuals aren’t considered human.
“They are criminals.” But many “criminals” you speak of are innocent. “They have to come in the right way.” But the right way is barricaded. “I didn’t know it was supposed to be like this.” Because it didn’t happen to you.
I’m afraid to go to school, to go to the airport, and to verify my legal documents. I can’t say it will get better, but I can only be outspoken, educate myself, and help others. I can say I hope it wouldn’t be me, but hope won’t fix reality; only actions will.
So yeah, I don’t think “the American Dream” is dead, but if a concept is no longer achievable, is it even alive?
“Ινε μια θάλασσα τα δάκρυα μου Χαμένη στην άβυσο και η καρδιά μου … Όσα ικα τα πήρες αλλού Ίδα μαύρα σκοτάδια Νύχτα παντού Νύχτα παντού”
(“My tears form a sea. My heart is lost in the abyss, as well. … Anything I had, you took it all away. The same pitch dark everywhere. It’s night all over the place. It’s night all over the place.”)
hereexistsatransgirl 